WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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