I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
