Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
