He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
