I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
