Betty ford says i'm here all night
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
