I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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