Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
