I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
