some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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