your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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