She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
