Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
