you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
