um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
