Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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