Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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