Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
