I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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