I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
