Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize