never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
