Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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