my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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