these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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