Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
