I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
