I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
