its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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