Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My ass is underappreciated
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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