My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
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The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
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He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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