Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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