you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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