just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I would ride that face into the sunset
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
