About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
