Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
