How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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