morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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