you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
