the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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