Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
