I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
