I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I met the friendliest cop last night
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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