Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
