OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
