He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
