a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
