I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
