I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
