well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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