are you still at the devil's house?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
