I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize