the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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