You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
