remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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