are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
