I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
