no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This baby is an asshole
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
