I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
