Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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