My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I intend to get homeless drunk
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
